Three sick days this
week but an ache lingers. Up until now I thought I truly was sick, but
now all I feel is emotional exhaustion and fear. I’m drained from a life were
all living and days like today I wonder if this even is living. I don’t know if
today I’m a little sad or if this is just another existential crisis but I have
no idea why I am here. I don’t understand life and I don’t understand living
and I don’t even know how you’re suppose understand it, yet on the surface we
all do think we understand it. But isn’t it just a matter of perception? A scientist
would find his meaning of life through fact collecting the inner workings of
human life or atmosphere in a quest to understand something; a writer would
write the world and create them with things that their world inspired them. I don’t
even really understand what I’m trying to say or trying to understand or even
if I want to. But on a day like this when the trees outside my window are still
and all my friends are at school and I’m sitting alone trying to be interesting
and justifying why it was ok for me to ditch school today. I just wonder if
were seriously doing it all right, the way were all going and the paths that
are being laid out for us. What if education isn’t everything? What if
understanding calculus wasn’t actually that important, (and I’m not just saying
that because math is horrifying) but seriously what if lawyers and doctors and
freaking sales assistants weren’t even important. What if the human race could survive
without money and be rich purely in love. We would never know because we’ve
never tried. As humans we value competition and greed above the importance of
living, really living and being inspired and loving and being loved. Those are
things I think are most important and what makes humans human, we don’t feel
fully with a good bank statement or job description and I think we all know it
yet we preach the importance of it anyway because it’s easy and keeps us guarded
from actually feeling anything. And isn’t that our job, to feel. So maybe the
meaning of life isn’t in actual life itself because that would be shallow and
were all merely players in life’s mind fucks so what if the meaning of life was
really just how we feel and our emotions and love. Well that’s why cheesy
craply written theory anyway.
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